she who has been: on thin ice

Good morning.

Its 7:25AM KT and Im eating corn, the one that I bought yesterday on my way home.

Honestly, I don’t want to eat but there’s nothing to do. Yes, I brought a book with me but dang! I should be working by this time. Opening eBooks and talking to people. Feeling sleepy while talking, walking in place just to wake me up etc but now, I did FB just to have something to do. IM my friend Mhinnie and pour her some of my stress though its still very early.

Im  down. Totally. This never happened to me before ‘( I wnt to cry. I want to walk. I want time to think. But dang! I feel so not good.

They say I’ll have trainings for a month, Mind Training. That’s the term they used but hell, what’s that. They didn’t give me any curriculum of the things that I should be doing. I didn’t have a trainer. They can’t even explain what on earth mind training is. 

 

Today [sigh], I really don't know what will happen to me.

Good luck.

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she who has been: not existing

Yap!

I came to the office this morning. Checked my account and there, I didn't have an account. It says, I DON'T EXIST. As in nothing, I asked one of my colleagues to view my account, I'm thinking that maybe I'm just typing the password wrong but according to her, nothing. My previous records were erased, maybe not in the main server but to the general public I don't exist. My head also asked about my status and according to her the manager in Korea thought I'm not working here anymore.

 

So, what am I now?

 

According to the management, it was my fault but really, I won't be like this if not for them. I had a good start and then this. They are the source of my predicament, my stress, my worries. They told me that they'll be giving me a chance, they will put me in re-training program for a month but I wont be getting any client until they see that 'I'm ready' to get clients again. I said OK [of course]. When I asked what the training would be and the contents so I could prepare. It's a "mind training". What the hell is mind training? Yoga? Anger management? Was that invented only for me?

 

They wanted me to change schedule from my original 4:30AM MT - 1:30PM MT to 9:00-6:00PT MT. I said no. Why because I have life after work and I have other activities and appointments in those time. Since, what they did was no warning they couldn't make me change what my schedules are for their whims. And where the hell is the HR manager? We don't have any, for a month now. And they are making rules like that.

 

Maybe, I didn't understand everything that they wanted to say or tell but hell that's the reason we need everything to be in black and white. That's the reason we need a Filipino HR manager, yes?

 

What should I do? > . <

 

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she who has been: ???

I didn't go to work this morning.

I came from work last night. I only had biscuits for the whole day which is so very unlikely of me. I love to eat. I savor food. I enjoy eating but since last Tuesday, food tasted nothing and it seems like my body couldn't stomach any.

I'm tired but I couldn't sleep. I want to sleep. I love sleeping, well who doesn't. Maybe some prefer not to sleep but not me. I take 10 to 20 minute naps at work at times but not for the passed two days. 

 

I tried not to think much. I started thinking of birds, food whatever but I feel empty. I read to pass time and well, to become sleepy but its already passed midnight I was still awake. So I prepared my things for this morning then took a warm bath and set my cellphone and started counting backwards. I have to do it many times because I kept reaching 1 and still nothing. I don't know what time was it when I dozed but I woke up with my phone ringing.

 

dang! Our head lead was calling me. I'm already late for work. In that moment I knew there will be hell in the office and I don't think I would be able to handle it properly. I told my head that I'll be on sick leave.

 

dang! I feel sick already. Then I went back to bed but again, I couldn't sleep. I kept on pacing around the room thinking that dizziness and tiredness would make me sleep. I started reading but nothing. It only gave me headache.

 

Later in the afternoon, I met my colleague in the other job. She said my skin is 'hot'. I actually feel feverish. I only have sandwich from yesterday for brunch. The sandwich was supposedly my lunch yesterday and it ended up my brunch the today.

 

Again, eating and sleeping are becoming a nuisance to me. I know I need energy, power or I'll end up with liver problems.

 

I'm getting weak.

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she who has been: lost

I came to the office, took calls and that’s it.

I couldn’t sleep last night. I was so bothered. Every time I closed my eyes I see my schedule. I hear their voices telling me words that I couldn’t understand. I kept buying food this morning but I couldn’t eat it. Its just there, sitting on my desk. Until now, every time I eat, I keep on running to the ladies room and throw up. I seems like there's a lump in my stomach, just below the ribs. Food is getting difficult to digest. People are getting hard to understand. When I walk, some of my friends have to stop me because according to them they call me but it seemed like I'm in another dimension. I haven't slept since I woke up last night. I tried to count, meditate and listen to nature sound just to sleep but dang! nothing.

 

How long this situation will be like this?

 

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she who has been: hwuaaat !?!

I came to work early and when I opened my account, whoalla half of my clients are all gone.

I finished all my calls at 8:00AM KT then nothing. I waited for the managers to arrive and ask what had happened. I mean yesterday only I had 32 and now I have 14, first ever in my 4-year stay here. My team lead can’t give me any answers. She too was surprised. She even told me that maybe I’ll get promoted or whatever. But I am having a bad feeling already.

When Nathan [manager] came, I wasn’t able to help myself and ask me. I’m in full blast. He didn’t answer any of my questions. Yes, he talked but all the talks were nonsense, not because I’m not listening or something, but the answers were not direct. He kept telling me things that didn’t explain the reason why my clients were gone.

I listened and downloaded sound files and some of the clients only knew that I wont be calling them. One thought I'm fired. Words are important to me, to us. That’s how we get clients. Recommendations, word of mouth and all. But hearing it from one of our clients is already big.

They talked to me around 12nn, I demanded a witness and brought my team lead there. They told me that mt status from last year to this year went really low which I didn’t know. They told that one of my clients complained, which I was not informed, and I had many complains before which I didn’t know. I asked for proof and they only showed me the most recent one according to them but the rest, nil.

They said they observed [their words] my calls and I sounded arrogant when talking to clients, I wonder why I'm not informed? Why I did not get any warnings? For more or less 4 years of working, I didn’t receive any letters from them warning me or whatsoever.

I was scared. I might lose a job anytime soon though they told me that they wont kick me out. But words are cheap. I honestly don’t trust them especially the owner. Why? He fired employees like a dirty and used tissue.  Why am I not feel threatened? I may have work today but how about tomorrow? Next week? Or next month? I have been working here for 4-year straight and all of a sudden half of my clients are all gone.

 

After they talked, well they only talk and never let me explained my side or whatsoever, I asked for a written and signed document from them, stating that they wont kick me out suddenly because I have less clients. I mean again, I felt threatened and feeling threatened until now. I need a little hint of security. They sometimes used the number of clients to kick people here so I have thought of that. But they didn't.

 

According to them, in Phillippines, people always want everything to be in papers but not in Korea. They use verbal aggreement. I was like whoaht! You are in the Philippines. Running a company in the Philippines. With employees coming from the Philippines. They are also subjected to Philippine law eventhough they kept telling me that that's not how they do it in Korea.

 

Scattered.

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